Steps and Boundaries

I find that all it takes to regain a step that you took backwards is to really start sprinting ahead; even if you slam into a brick wall after two feet, at least you're back to where you were before. I keep feeling like I'll be in a place to take small steps forward, and then something will happen, and I'll falter. It's so discouraging, and sometimes I just want to stop altogether and just stand still in one spot. The solution? As far as I can tell, immersing myself in a Jewish lifestyle is exactly what the doctor ordered. Spending a shabbat in Omaha at Beth Israel with nurturing friends and support circles works its magic every time, and I come away with a renewed motivation to stick with my Jewish lifestyle at home in Lincoln. Feeling as though you are being welcomed into a loving, close-knit family helps to ease some of the tension I find myself experiencing during my everyday week.

The funny thing is, that same tension is sometimes a help, also. If I allow myself to focus on the things that make me different now that I am on this path to conversion, I find myself bumping constantly against boundaries: ethnic ones, social ones, cultural and religious ones. The boundaries help, and I work to strengthen them, not because I want to isolate myself, but because they help to solidify the new sense of who I am. For example, I am almost constantly aware of my knee-length skirts and high necklines when I'm surrounded by girls in jeans and tank tops. At the beginning, I used to envy their fashion freedom, but I no longer feel that way. Now, instead of pining after a pair of shorts, I am comfortable in my skirt because it serves as a constant reminder of the life I am choosing. Something as simple as the clothes you wear can help to set you apart.

It's not that I see myself as any better because of these boundaries. It's not that I condemn girls who wear skinny jeans (quite the opposite, I absolutely adore skinny jeans and sneakers). It's simply that these separations help me to remember and nurture the identity that I am taking on through this process. I can't help but think that perhaps some of these mitzvot were put in place by Hashem for exactly this reason (although I don't claim to know His reasoning).

I was talking with my rabbi's wife this past Shabbos, about how long it took her to become frum after she started to make the decision. Her response surprised me because I'd been feeling like I was the only one plagued by a routine of forward steps and setbacks. When she told me that it took her about two years to really become very religious, I wanted to run across the kitchen and hug her! I guess I realize now that it's not something that's wrong with me, these steps forward and backward, but something normal and necessary that everyone faces. I call myself a Jew-by-choice, and in one sense I am. However, I think that in another sense, we are all Jews by choice. Being consciously, intentionally Jewish is a choice that we make every single minute of every single day, and even when it's hard sometimes to live in the tension, it is worth every struggle.